No, We Don’t Want Kids


Hello and welcome to my final installment of 2013. I enjoyed this year and I am looking forward to 2014.  I wanted to start the New Year by answering the question.  It seems to haunt every waking moment of our lives.  I understand why we’re asked, society deems it the next step in the evolution of our wedlock.

We’ll do this in reverse like Jeopardy.  I’ll give you the answer; you guess the question.

No, we don’t want kids.

I wouldn’t be a writer if I planned on giving out half-truths, so I’ll be honest.  It’s a selfish decision.  I have legit reasons too, but I suspect they could be deemed selfish as well.

First and foremost, I want to be able to go to Disney World.  Yeah, I said it.  I’d rather go to Disney World with my wife, spend a bundle of cash on her, than have a child.  If we had a child today, kiss Disney goodbye for at least four to five years.  I don’t believe that an infant belongs in Florida so it can bake like an Oven Gold turkey.

Disney is expensive.  So is a child.  I’m a writer who hasn’t sold anything (yet), and while we won’t be going to Disney this year (I’m still working on it), having a child will eat up any extra resources we have to potentially save for Disney.

It’s not just Disney; it’s a little bit of everything.  I want to watch whatever movie or TV show we have the urge to watch, without interruption of a shit soaked diaper.  Now ask yourself, does that really seem like a crazy request?

Sons of Anarchy, or a child who shit so much it ran up his or her back?

You’re insane if you picked the second one.  No one fondly remembers, “Hey remember when Johnny shit himself so bad, we cleaned it up for three days, and STILL found some on the bathroom door.” (Wait, maybe some people do remember those things fondly…you know who you are.)

All jokes aside, (except for Disney, which was no joke.  I want to go there so often they remember my name and plates of food I order) I have valid and ‘responsible’ reasons as well.  Do I really want to bring a child into this world?

Every decade, past and present, parents have asked a similar question.  There have always been motives to question reproduction; World Wars, poverty, AIDS, 80’s music, etc.  I have some specific thoughts.

I don’t want to have a child in a world where people get trophies for being in last place.  I want them to play sports (if they wanted, of course) but I want them to play real sports.  I don’t want them to be little Tommy who got a trophy even though he picked his nose the entire sixth inning of tee-ball.

I also don’t want to be the ‘bad guy’ because I won’t get them a cell phone at age eight.  No child needs a phone at eight.  You could argue cell phones are for safety, and I agree in most cases.  But if you’re letting your eight year old run wild at the mall anyway, maybe a cell phone isn’t something you should worry about right now.

I wouldn’t be able to handle the politics of a public school.  There seems to be an abundant amount of agendas to satisfy the parental units.  Remember when school was just about learning and teaching kids somewhat useful things?  Now it’s about who calls each other names, or what parents don’t like a certain child because they smell funny.

Guess what?  Kids didn’t smell any better in the 90’s, we didn’t care enough to say anything because we were learning how Columbus discovered America, and Pluto was always going to be the ninth planet.  All useful things, not things like how taxes work or how to balance a checkbook.  I can make a pillow though, so there’s that.

The kicker here, I really love kids.  I love playing with them and making them giggle uncontrollably.  It warms my heart every time.  The flip side is, in this very apartment building I am writing from, there are about twenty examples why I don’t want a child around twenty four hours a day

I’m only scratching the surface, but I’ve made my point. We don’t want children anytime soon.  We can’t afford one, and it isn’t the right time for either of us.  Isn’t that a better example of responsibility, than what predominantly seems to happen?

As always,

Do Something Good.


3 thoughts on “No, We Don’t Want Kids

  1. You would make an awesome dad. I also think you are showing wisdom choosing not to have children in this shitty world we live in.

  2. I totally agree on all those levels. It seems though that when I express these reasons, they take it that I’m some sort of “breeder hater”. (oh, they usually have kids.) Maybe it’s their defenses. I don’t know. Fuck having kids. I’m saving the planet the best way possible.

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