I need to burden you with some disclaimers before venturing into this “guide.” I do not know everything (shocking, I know) and in no way do I claim any sort of expertise. My relationship is my own, and I handle it accordingly.
In the examples I have below, please keep in mind this does not cover every man or woman in existence. This is based solely on observations and my own opinions.
If I were to rate this piece like a movie, it would be a solid R. Keep that in mind while reading.
This may actually help you in some cases when dealing with the opposite sex. With that said, not everyone will fit into these examples. You should know the person you like mating with enough to know where they fit, if at all.
Above all else though, this is meant to be funny and enjoyable.
Gentlemen, you know what you should do? Never buy your girlfriend or wife an electronic gift. Re-read that sentence and really take it in. Do not buy her a television or a Blu Ray Player. Refrain from buying a security camera or a toothbrush. (For some reason if you have a girlfriend and a wife, stop reading this and go away.)
We are the ones who like electronics. We buy them to play with or show off our skills with high tech equipment. When we install something we celebrate it. We’re Tom Hanks in Cast Away running around on the beach, “Look! I have created light in the kitchen!”
On the topic of gifts, did you buy your wife flowers for Valentine’s Day? You did? (You can do better.) Please tell me you went to the local floral shop and picked them out. You used a website? Gross. If your lady friend is the type who loves getting flowers, you better know what she likes enough to pick them out yourself. Be a man and ask her if you don’t.
Ladies, quick note to you on gifts. Do you know how easy you have it? For every holiday that a gift is given, birthday’s, Christmas, a Bar Mitzvah, you can be the gift. Men, as a rule, are not allowed to put a bow on their chest and say Merry Christmas. You can, remember that.
Ladies, have you seen this picture before?
I’m going to make this short and sweet. If that is your “man,” you’re dating a child. Real men do not complain about those things.
This is a very true, very short story:
I was once sick for a couple days, and my wife had no idea (sorry babe). Real men do not complain about bullshit like that.
On a similar note, don’t assume off the bat you are dating some man child either. That shit is insulting to the guys who pay attention. I can express this best in picture form, when shit like this shows up…
I know who Mr. Darcy is. Hell, I am Mr. Darcy (yeah I went there). There are legions of women that inhabit Pinterest, that think all men are uneducated swine. You ask where the good men are. You probably insulted them because you think all guys are the same.
A question posed to ladies reading this. Do you take the time to explain who Mr. Darcy is and why he may be important to you? I wish we could read your mind but we can’t. Some things we should know from instinct, but sometimes we need to be slapped in the face with it.
You know what would help more men avoid the above issues? Stop acting like a giant pussy. Don’t act like The Macho Man when it’s convenient and then turn into a pile of blubber when the relationship gets hard. You are a man, a decent woman expects you to act like it. Either commit or stop acting like you’re interested.
If you want to be with someone, tell them. If you don’t want to be with them guess what? Fucking tell them! It’s that simple. From my experience and scientific experiments, women hate assholes, but a lying asshole is much worse than an honest one.
Making up excuses sounds like a lie, because it is. Be truthful.
I saved my final section for the ladies. This one is a bit more delicate and frustrating, but it’s important. Not every guy that holds the door for you wants to bed you. I hate to be the one to say this; but a majority of them want to.
You might throw up in your mouth a little when you take the time to think how many encounters you have each day. I’m a firm believer that chivalry is not dead, so I hold doors for everyone. Here is an easy tip, if a guy holds the door and you do not make eye contact, he was probably a nice guy. If his heat vision locks on (you’ll know when you see it), keep walking.
The above is just one example, but I have to tread on icy waters, women need to start helping guys out. In no way will I claim women lead men on, but I’m sorry to say, if you are friendly with a guy not in a committed relationship, he will think you like him. It really is that simple.
Girl: Hey, nice shirt.
Single Guy: (Thinking to himself; Oh my god, she wants me.)
Ladies, if you are not interested in dating a man, tell him. If he is a man (as stated above) he will be fine with it and will be friendly. If he instead cries and vows never to speak to you again, let him walk.
I know it’s not fair, but it’s the truth. Tone down the friendliness if you really want someone to back off. Guys have feelings, but they should be under control enough to handle one in five billion women saying no.
A couple quick hits for everyone to enjoy:
Ladies, it’s true, if you touch it, he will be in the mood instantly.
Men, stop trying to fix everything.
Ladies, stop trying to be the one that can fix him. You aren’t the one; she is in a strip club.
Men, tampons are a thing, and they aren’t going anywhere. Educate yourself.
Ladies, he will treat you like his mom if you act like her.
Fellow men, stop being assholes.
These are just a few things that may help you in the future. If you didn’t understand anything I said, please take one thing with you. Be honest on all occasions, not just some of them. Communication is the magic wand of relationships. Well, the ones that last.
Do Something Good.