Why I Detest People Who Go to Movie Theaters

From: There Will Be Blood

From: There Will Be Blood

I love movies. A lot. Which is why I’ve decided to write them for a living (well, I haven’t made money yet, so I guess I can’t say ‘living,’ but you get the point). I’ve loved movies for a very long time, and will continue to do so forever.

Yet, I find myself entertaining the idea of actually going OUT to see a movie, less and less. Yes, prices are up, the popcorn cost the same amount as my car insurance, and there are now a hundred and forty five previews. But, that isn’t the reason…

It’s the other patrons.

I’m not Mr. Warm & Fuzzy, I know that, and I’m not the biggest fan of other human beings, but I don’t outright hate people without reason (most of the time). But I have a streak going with my wife, and it’s going on about ten years.

The streak is this: I loathe at least one or two people PER MOVIE we pay to see.

First of all, the idea of seeing a movie is insane when you think about it. A collective group of people pay cash to sit in a dark room with thirty or so strangers, chomping on food, and laughing at jokes together. Sometimes we cry together, and sometimes we’re downright angry, yet we never speak to these people, and may never see them again in our lives.

It seems, most people do in fact think, they have rented a movie theater for themselves to do as they please. Recently my wife and I saw Oculus, which was great, and also had Amy Pond, so you know…Come Along Pond.

We got there a tiny bit later than we wanted, so we lost the very back seats to other people. That’s fine, it happens. It was a random time so the theater wasn’t tremendously busy. So we sat in the middle aisles, at least three or four rows in front of the next people (because I will NEVER sit directly in front of someone if I can help it, if you do that, please leave and never read my blog again. Go…now, shoo).

So there we are, ready for a scary movie, Amy Pond in a wig, and dinner after. Let me remind you, quite an open theater…and you may be thinking, “Uh oh, someone is going to sit in front of him.” You would be…incorrect! No, this time, a family of behemoths sat directly behind us. If you are offended by me calling someone a behemoth, what else do you call someone in which their gut hits the back of your head as they scoot by with a bag of popcorn, and Junior Mints (that ran out very early on in the movie as we could hear them discussing it)? The heavy breathing was a real treat as well, along with the color commentary.

So that is the most recent example, add to that, crying children in a clearly adult movie, people asking questions like they’re outside, children recalling parts from the commercial, and general douchbagery.

But ladies and gentlemen, I have yet to tell you my favorite story. It happened two weeks after the theater shooting in Colorado at The Dark Knight Rises. We went to see that very movie. While I was not at all nervous anything may happen, you never know what other people are thinking, or what’s going on in their life.

So we’re there, ready to watch the final chapter of Christopher Nolan’s trilogy. Minutes into the film, I hear a sucking noise. No, not that kind of sucking noise, that has yet to happen to my knowledge. No, this was a lady that I can describe as, “Low class,” sucking on a piece of rock candy. I won’t dive into the breaking of rules that rock candy is not sold at the theaters counter. Either way, she was going to town on this thing, like it was the end of the world, and its name was Michael Fassbender.

This continued for a while, and I can’t remember exactly, I believe the young teenagers may have told her to calm down a bit. I shot some looks her way, being only a few seats over, but it fell on deaf ears…or eyes? Either way, what eventually happened was pure magic. Eventually, the kids in front of her got so fed up; they actually turned around and told her to stop. Like, clear as day, right while people are trying to enjoy Bruce Wayne get his ass in gear and save Gotham.

This was disrespectful in her eyes. I shit you not, the following spewed from her mouth:

“If you don’t like it, you can go home and watch this on DVD!”

Now, a few things: 1. At this point, Blu-Ray was in full swing, so keep up with the times lady. 2. She was sucking on candy that isn’t even sold there, and she was making a lot of noise. And 3. She has just changed the rules that we all live and breathe by in movie theaters. She just staked a claim, that not only was this HER theater to do as she pleases, she condemned these teenagers to getting out of HER theater and going home to watch a movie that wouldn’t be out for another 8 months. She made some claim they were chicken shits for waiting for her husband to leave, and then the good grace of Castiel must have shown a light above her head, because she then turned to us, and apologized.

So, in a way, she just admitted she was wrong, bitched out teenagers in a movie, smuggled in rock candy from god knows where, most likely made someone shit their pants in fear, and continued watching the movie.

She continued to suck on that rock candy though, because you can’t let the terrorists win.

 

Sorry for the length, but I had to get it off my chest. There has not been ONE movie in the past ten years where someone doesn’t cause annoyance.

Well this was fun for me, I hope you enjoyed.

 

As always,

Do Something Good

Matt

2 thoughts on “Why I Detest People Who Go to Movie Theaters

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